Life Life
That One Time I Cried on the Bathroom Floor in My Dorm Room
Only a handful of people actually know that this happened.
I cried, shaking, on the bathroom floor in my dorm room. My roommate at the time was asleep. She never knew. This happened my junior year.
I was on the phone with a friend from high school. We were just catching up and talking about life. I don’t even know if they remember this happening. I never spoke of it again. They hung up the phone. Or maybe I dropped the phone and never picked it back up.
All I know is, a simple conversation led to this. I started naming everything that was wrong at the time. Things that I was having issues with. Certain family members. Will I graduate?
Will I have a good GPA? Will I pass the Senior Comps when I take them? What will I do after college? How will I pay for college? How come I don’t have a boyfriend? How come guys don’t like me? Will I get a job? Am I good at anything? And so much more. I started to cry. I started to shake. Uncontrollably. It was not stopping.
I remember the phrase, “a dose of home” being tossed around about my incident. My Mom came down for a few days and I stayed with her in a hotel to take a break.
I had gone to my professors and told them that I needed a few days. I didn’t go into full detail about what happened, but I told them enough to where they understood and granted my request. A mental break.
What I needed most, was to talk to someone. Therapy was never really talked about at home. It never crossed my mind then that I needed it. I certainly did not seek it out.
All of the things I had bottled up, I never shared because I thought that I was the only one going through something. Why do I need to talk to anyone about my issues? I was going to be judged if I told someone anyway. Or maybe told that what I’m worried about is no big deal. The problem with that is, everyone has something that they’re dealing with. Just because it’s a pebble to one, doesn’t mean that it’s not a boulder to others.
One of the saddest things to think about is that I was going to drop out of school. I literally thought that I could not handle it. I’m so thankful that I did not drop out. I was a junior when this happened.
This is the last day of Mental Health Awareness month, but let’s be honest. Mental Health awareness is something that we should consider all year long.
I wrestled with sharing this, but that’s part of the problem, right? Not sharing. Worried about people looking down on me, laughing at me, or ashamed of me. Not sharing is adding to the problem. I hope that at least one person gets something out of this. Because holding this in, will do no one any good.
My biggest takeaways:
- I will make sure to talk to my children about therapy.
- I will make sure they have a safe space and safe ear to listen to them when they need it.
- People will sometimes put expectations on you. You don’t have to accept it. Especially if it pushes you in a negative way.
- If you’re not okay, that’s okay.
Can I have a #2, no cheese, and hold the wheat please!
I wasn’t always like this. Many years ago, I had found out something I never thought I would ever find out. Something that I didn’t know existed. These days, it is very well known. Gluten Free.
What is “gluten” you say? Well let me tell you. It is in almost everything that you eat. Bread. Pasta. Brownies. Cupcakes. Pancakes. Cake. Everything yummy. Plainly, it is a protein that can be found in wheat.
If I eat something that is not gluten free, there are consequences. I get very sick. It is unpleasant. There was one night that I literally thought that I was dying. I was not diagnosed as celiac. I have an intolerance to gluten.
It is not easy being gluten free. Especially when going out to dinner, going to a party, or even when traveling abroad.
I’m going to be honest, eating gluten free is a little expensive. For instance, gluten free pizza crust usually has an additional charge. Which is fine with me! I love pizza!
When going out to dinner with friends, it can be hard deciding on a place to eat. Especially if you do not want just a salad with no croutons for dinner. Going over someone’s house for dinner is the same. You have to do a process of elimination. “That’s gravy, can’t have that.” “Oh, that’s got soy sauce on it?” “Ah, yes, fried chicken, my favorite!”
Nope. You. Can’t. Have. That!
It’s not their fault if they’re the host/hostess. They just may not know. For instance, my husband cooked dinner for us when we were dating. It was very early in the relationship. He made his bachelor’s specialty, spaghetti. He was very proud of his meal. And I was very, very appreciative of him creating a meal for us! Sadly, when I asked if the noodles were gluten free, he felt VERY bad. It’s not that he forgot, it just wasn’t his norm to have gluten free pasta. But whew child, he’s a pro now!
I would say, take it easy on your friend who may have a special dietary need. It’s not their fault that they have such restrictions. Believe me, they don’t want to be difficult. It’s so much easier to order off the regular menu than asking if there is a gluten free menu available. Or maybe there are about five options that they can choose from whereas you have the ENTIRE menu to choose.
I took the initiative to research restaurants that were gluten free before we traveled abroad. You can’t go in blind to another country trying to eat gluten free. You will be hungry! lol Asking “sans gluten,” “sin gluten” and “maiz” saved my life!
There have been quite a few times where I was thought of. You don’t understand how wonderful and special that made me feel. At a few weddings, the couples told me which dishes that I would be able to eat. In advance!
Thanksgiving. Let me tell you. You know you are loved when someone makes food, from SCRATCH, gluten free. It is not easy. I’m talking, substitutions!
Yes, I’m gluten free. Not by choice. By chance.
My biggest takeaways:
- It is very difficult in the beginning to take wheat and flour out.
- It’s not worth it to eat food with wheat if it will make me sick.
- Eating gluten free foods can be expensive, but your gut is worth it.
- There are more restaurants and stores more accommodating to individuals who are gluten sensitive.
- I CAN have bread. Pasta. Brownies. Cupcakes. Pancakes. Cake. Everything yummy!!!
Do you or someone close to you have a dietary restriction? If so, how do you adjust your meals to accommodate?
Read More2018
2018 was the year that I had my #clothesupchallenge. Yes, you read that right, “My Clothes UP Challenge.” It was after I had my daughter. I was not confident in myself. Confidence was a struggle that I had since I was a little girl. I did not like how I dressed. I felt like I had no style. Let’s be honest. I did NOT have style! I made one of the longest posts on Facebook that I had ever made in my life. I made it on Facebook so that it could be an accountability situation making it public. However, I did not have the guts to do it on Instagram to complete strangers who would judge me and my mission. Although, in my post, I did express how I did not care what people thought and said, I was not ready for the IG trolls that would probably come with it.
In my post, my challenge was to essentially “dress better.” I would be intentional with my outfits. I declared that I would wear heels more often, accessorize, wear makeup and wear my hair in different styles. Yes, I did complete my challenge the 365 days of 2018. Did I succeed? I would say that I passed AND failed. I was indeed intentional with choosing my daily outfits. Unfortunately, I did not really wear makeup. I wore my hair like I usually do, down or in a ponytail. Accessories, nope, not really. I put too much on myself trying to add those things all at once.
I did learn SO MUCH that year. Here are the main takeaways.
- I was not the only person who felt the way I did about myself. Family and friends privately shared that they felt the same way about themselves and I had NO CLUE. Child, you are not alone!
- People were not aware that I felt the way that I did about myself.
- I was wearing the WRONG size clothes.
- I did not wear much color.
- Quite a few people did not like a pair of flats that I wore a lot. They were my crutch!!
- My cousin hated that I wore a particular pair of boots ALL THE TIME. Another crutch! lol
- Stylists have a gift and we should allow them to help us without shame.
- My daughter watched me every day and always smiled.
Are there challenges in life that you are experiencing others may not be aware of?
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