That One Time I Cried on the Bathroom Floor in My Dorm Room

Only a handful of people actually know that this happened.

I cried, shaking, on the bathroom floor in my dorm room.  My roommate at the time was asleep.  She never knew.  This happened my junior year.

I was on the phone with a friend from high school.  We were just catching up and talking about life.  I don’t even know if they remember this happening.  I never spoke of it again. They hung up the phone.  Or maybe I dropped the phone and never picked it back up.

All I know is, a simple conversation led to this.  I started naming everything that was wrong at the time.  Things that I was having issues with. Certain family members. Will I graduate?
Will I have a good GPA? Will I pass the Senior Comps when I take them? What will I do after college?  How will I pay for college? How come I don’t have a boyfriend? How come guys don’t like me? Will I get a job?  Am I good at anything?  And so much more. I started to cry.  I started to shake. Uncontrollably.  It was not stopping.

I remember the phrase, “a dose of home” being tossed around about my incident.  My Mom came down for a few days and I stayed with her in a hotel to take a break. 

I had gone to my professors and told them that I needed a few days.  I didn’t go into full detail about what happened, but I told them enough to where they understood and granted my request. A mental break. 

What I needed most, was to talk to someone. Therapy was never really talked about at home. It never crossed my mind then that I needed it. I certainly did not seek it out. 

All of the things I had bottled up, I never shared because I thought that I was the only one going through something.  Why do I need to talk to anyone about my issues?  I was going to be judged if I told someone anyway.  Or maybe told that what I’m worried about is no big deal.  The problem with that is, everyone has something that they’re dealing with.  Just because it’s a pebble to one, doesn’t mean that it’s not a boulder to others.

One of the saddest things to think about is that I was going to drop out of school.  I literally thought that I could not handle it.  I’m so thankful that I did not drop out. I was a junior when this happened.

This is the last day of Mental Health Awareness month, but let’s be honest.  Mental Health awareness is something that we should consider all year long. 

I wrestled with sharing this, but that’s part of the problem, right?  Not sharing.  Worried about people looking down on me, laughing at me, or ashamed of me.  Not sharing is adding to the problem.  I hope that at least one person gets something out of this.  Because holding this in, will do no one any good.

My biggest takeaways:

1. I will make sure to talk to my children about therapy.
2. I will make sure they have a safe space and safe ear to listen to them when they need it.
3. People will sometimes put expectations on you.  You don’t have to accept it.  Especially if it pushes you in a negative way.
4. If you’re not okay, that’s okay.